Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag