Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55