Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Thoughts
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.