Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.