SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”