Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat