Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
just having fun
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
