I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.
It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple
My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”
just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass
when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny
The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
I really miss my family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?