sorry I’m late, my dog was sleeping in the shape of a donut and I had to take 175 photos
Me: The 100th day of school is coming up so you have to dress like you’re 100.
Daughter: Ok. Do you mind if I borrow something?
Old MacDonald was holding his calculator upside-down, 01313.
the person at my job who can decide if im fired: “yeah so celebrities actually go to a secret starbucks underground in a series of tunnels to get their coffee”
If your girl is always telling you, ‘Terrain! Terrain! Pull up!’ That’s not your girl. That’s the ground proximity warning system.
Meal prep? No need to prep here, I’m prepared for a meal AT ALL TIMES!
my mum slapped my neighbors wife and now I gotta fight her son man wtf i’m just tryna sleep
husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests
me: yes…for our guests
Leaving the house forgetting my keys, and then crawling through a window , is not good way to start the day…
A bed and breakfast with an oxygen bar. Call it an Air B&B.
Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…
My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.
ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.
Me: This job seems really dangerous!
Him: The last three didn’t think so God rest their souls
She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.