Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
2024 has been a rough few years
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
me: *ordering an orange juice*
8yo: does it have pulp?
me: I’m not sure
8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way
I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication
still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test
Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?
$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care
$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?