Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.