*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now