There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph