I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…