I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there