9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?