[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?