6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.