“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce