CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING