I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”