Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo