[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.