Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.