“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.