After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*