A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.