Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.