SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.