A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete