When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.