Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.