WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
This headline is a thing of beauty
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?