Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*