20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Breaking news:
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.