santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap