My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.