[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew