I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842