Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]