My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.