KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…