Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones