Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.