Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.