*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma