There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!