Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity