We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.