Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.