villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.