Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad