I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?