[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
This dude got his own movie?
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.