Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”