“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before