Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?