karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try